Henny Youngman

Somebody sent me a bunch of jokes by Henny Youngman (1906-1998) so I decided to see if I could find some more. His wife was often the butt of his jokes, even though they were very close. His classic line was "Take my wife, please." He was the King of the one-liner. For a little bio on Henny, visit Wikipedia.

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
• My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Doctor Jokes

1. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
2. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
3. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
4. The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
5. A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
6. The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
7. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
8. "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
9. Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
10. A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
11. A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
12. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
13. Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
14. "I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drinking Jokes

1. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
2. Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
3. A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Airline Jokes

1. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
2. The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Golf Jokes

1. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
2. I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Bum Jokes

1. A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
2. A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
3. Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
4. Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
5. I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

1. I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
2. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Hotel Jokes

1. The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
2. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
3. I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!
4. My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
5. The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

1. You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
2. If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
3. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
4. You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
5. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
6. The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
7. Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
8. I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
9. If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.
10. He was born on April 2. A day late.
11. I'd like to say we're glad you're here -- I'd like to say it...
12. He gives his wife something to look forward to -- a divorce.
13. Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?
14. I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
15. Someday you'll go too far, and I hope you'll stay there.
16. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Introductions

1. Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"
2. Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
3. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
4. His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
5. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Jewish Jokes

1. A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
2. A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
3. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
4. Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
5. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Wife Jokes

1. Take my wife, please!
2. My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
3. A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."
4. I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
5. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
6. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
7. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does.
8. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
9. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
10. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
11. My wife has a black belt in shopping.
12. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
13. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
14. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
15. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
16. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
17. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
18. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
19. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
20. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
21. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
22. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
23. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Miscellaneous Jokes

1. A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
2. In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"
3. Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
4. A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
5. I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
6. Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
7. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
8. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
9. I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.