Stephen Wright

These are supposed to be...
From the mysterious mind of Stephen Wright:

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
• Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he growsup, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• One nice thing about egotists...they don't talk about other people.
• When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
• My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• The speed of time is one second per second.
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a manwho can't get his pants off.
• It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.