Cake

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Stephen Wright

These are supposed to be...
From the mysterious mind of Stephen Wright:

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
• Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he growsup, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• One nice thing about egotists...they don't talk about other people.
• When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
• My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• The speed of time is one second per second.
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a manwho can't get his pants off.
• It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Global Warming

Finally! The real evidence that global warming IS occuring.

The proof is in the knickers!

Grandma and the Bumper Sticker

The Grandma tells her story:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a Honk If You Love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window he screamed, "For the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

A Biker and His Babe

What do you expect when the younguns take away the driver's license?!

Food and Diet Questions

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. ! And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

A Place to Stay for the Weekend

I'm looking for a place to stay for the weekend because my wife kicked me out. For some reason she's mad at me.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, fishing, golfing, watching TV. You know, important things.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home on Friday, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a couple of minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting thegrass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

So, that's why I need a place to stay for the weekend.


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Beggars in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they will probably give to him just because they see it as a 'vote' for Catholicism."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

A Blonde Wants a Loan

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

Received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Goodbye, Mother!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up afew things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him." Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say, 'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


Received from http://www.gcfl.net/

The City Boy and The Donkey

Morris, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

received from http://www.gcfl.net

Old Man Goldstein

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in anursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that! Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Three Old Ladies

Three old mischeivous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?!?"

The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Marital Financial Difficulties

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.




I don't think she's coming back ...

Truth Prevails

Story from a Canadian courtroom: If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility. . .

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do."

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called.

The New Old Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and water retention
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is lost hearing--now what did you say?
M is memory lapses occurring all day.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few;
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?
X is for x-ray and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.

author unknown[edited by GCFL]
Received from at http://www.gcfl.net

Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics

Bubba and Joe Bob are out in the woods hunting. Suddenly, Joe Bob grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Bubba quickly pulls out his new-fangled cell phone and dials 911. "911 Operator. What's your emergency?"

"Operator, Operator, I think Joe Bob is dead!!!! What should I do?"

In a calm voice, the Operator replies, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's 'dead.'"

There is silence - then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, Bubba says, "OK, now what?"

Comprehending Engineers, Take 5

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.


Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Comprehending Engineers, Take 4

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons.

Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers, Take 3

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group if blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire a couple years ago, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. Then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers, Take 2

To the optimist, the glass is half full.


To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.


To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers, Take 1

Two male engineering students were walking across campus, one pushing a bike, when the other said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The first engineering student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Blonde in the Closet

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?



A. The 1987 hide-and-go-seek champion.

Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When thebartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"


"Rustling," said the bartender.

Received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"

The blonde replied, "No, just up to my nipples."

Dead Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

received from http://www.gcfl.net/ The Good, Clean Funnies List

Senior Center- Evening's Entertainment

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. Seniors came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Crap!" shouted the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the senior center.

Woman Strikes Back 2

A man and his wife are dining at a fancy restaurant. The husband keeps staring at a drunken lady drinking down one cocktail after another as she sits alone at a nearby table.The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


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A Woman Strikes Back

Women... Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along; the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Men Strike Back #7-10

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

~~~~~~~~~~~
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.


...It's called a Wedding Cake.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men die before their wives?

A: They want to.


disclaimer: these are for all those men not fortunate enough to have a wife like mine.

Men Strike Back #4-6

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A: She starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."


Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


Q: Why do men fart more than women?

A: Because women can't be quiet long enough to build up the required pressure.


disclaimer: these are for all those men not fortunate enough to have a wife like mine.

Men Strike Back #1-3

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open when she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Disclaimer: these are for all those men not fortunate enough to have a wife like mine.

10 Pet Peeves According to My Dog

I'm sick of this so stop it! Here are my pet peeves:

1. Blaming your farts on me. Not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A DAMN DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any tricks that involve balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters? Hello! ! ! Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth: you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's. We both know who the boss is here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

Received from Cooper

Bathroom Conversation

I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the otherstall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to start a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest stop, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place later?"

Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"


Received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Graduates

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Walk Into A Bar, Part 2

• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

• A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."

Wireless Security System

How to install a wireless security system:

1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used workboots ... a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like:"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition -back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

Received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Walk Into A Bar, Part 1

• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

Dog Zoo

I went to this zoo but there was only a dog.


It was a Shih Tzu*.





*aka Shitzu

River Walk

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

Two Cows and a Kayak

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that...


you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Fall in Parking Lot

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.

"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"

Received from http://www.gcfl.net/

First Motorcycle Hybrid

Turn on your speakers and go to http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm

Things Your Mother Would NEVER Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for anotherweek."
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Puns and Such #3

A woman placed an advertisement in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted." The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A mathematician scolding his child: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.

Puns and Such #2

I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

The USC math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.

Cat In The Hat..for the ages

Puns and Such #1

I don't think my sister's marriage will last. Her new husband has a foot fetish, and on their honeymoon, he got off on the wrong foot.

There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.

Crack dealers stick their business in other people's noses.

I've heard that the government is planning on taxing the mathematically illiterate. Wait!! Isn't that called the lottery?

Shopping at the Mall

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

Received from GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List

Bacon Tree

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other people had been seen for days.

Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says,"oy, vait a minute". He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!

Anorexia is Not Funny

Playground Rules

We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.

My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.

1. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
2. "Go down the slide while sitting only."
3. "Only one child on a swing at a time." etc. (There were a good twenty rules.)

The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.

Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!

I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.

"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...

...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"

Received from http://www.gcfl.net/ The Good, Clean Funnies List

Blonde's Car Breaks Down

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

She answers...



"Those are my emergency flashers!"

Mood Ring

My husband, not happy with my PMS mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he'd be able to monitor my moods.


When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin' red mark on his forehead.


Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Thought of the Day #10

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Thought of the Day #9

If you can smile when things go wrong,

you have someone in mind to blame.

Thought of the Day #8

If you think there is good in everybody,

you haven't met everybody.

Taxes Are Due

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do withyour ashes?

"The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,'Now, you have everything.'"


received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Easter Eggs

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock!

Thought of the Day #7

The easiest way to find something you have lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Taxes

Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."

Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.

Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.


received from http://www.gcfl.net/

Thought of the Day #6

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because

by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Thought of the Day #5

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Thought of the Day #4

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Thought of the Day #3

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Thought of the Day #2

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Thought of the Day #1

Birds of a feather flock together...


and poop on your car.

2 Women in Heaven

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman : I froze to Death.

2nd woman : How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

A Groaner

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning his crime, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.


However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.


When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."


sorry!

Pantyhose

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?


Think about this now.


Are you sure you're ready for the answer?


Once you look at the answer you can't go back.


...ok...


...here it is...


10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, and an unknown number of hares.

Coming Downstairs

Mark came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Mark!" he called, "How many times do I have to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."

Mark climbed back up the stairs. Silence followed and a few seconds later Mark reappeared in the front room.

"That's better," said his father. "Now, in the future, you will always come downstairs like that."




"Cool," Mark said. "I slid down the railing."


received from http://www.gcfl.net/

He or She?

Can you tell if she's a he or a she? Give it a try:
He or She? (http://www.ipopper.net/cool_scripts/games/shemale_female/default.html)
How many will YOU get right? I'm relieved to report that I got 15 out of 16. Good Luck!

The Obedient Wife

I promise to love, honor, and obey...

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died a week later. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the funeral service, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her stunned friend said, "Girl, please tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm an honest woman. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in there with him!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Kids! part 5

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. The teacher reads, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!'"

The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"

One little girl raise her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Moly*! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to finish reading the story.



*the original joke has another 4 letter word

Will He Jump?

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 10:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 11:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer replied, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde said, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on." Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, "Fair's fair, here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde answered, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

Kids! part 4

When my wife was six months pregnant with our third child, our 3 year old came into the room as my wife was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

Her mom replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

Kids! part 3

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked, with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep in my room tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

After a long silence, his shaky little voice said, "The big sissy!"

Kids! part 2

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later... "Da-aaad!"

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No! You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later... "Da-aaaad!"

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

Five minutes later... "Daaa-aaaad!..."

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Kids!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child, innocently.

"You did WHAT?!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went "Pssst!" and it didn't move."

Political Correctness...About Men

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

Political Correctness...About Women

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICAL LY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
10. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
11. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
12. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

Political Correctness - New Addition

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You should now refer to them as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS".

New Books at Barnes and Noble

• Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk by Al Coholic
• The Human Brain by Sara Bellum
• Please Don't Hurt Me by I. Bruce Easily
• How to Cure Scratching by Ivan Awfulich
• Thirty Yards to the Outhouse by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)
• The Proper Use of Sunscreens by Justin Casey Burns
• Discount Alternatives by Robin Stuff

from Cybersalt Digest

St. Patrick's Day Joke

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life. I'll even give up me Irish whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

author unknown

They were together in the House. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night.

The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that...more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... she screamed...he raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on... as did their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong.Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors... just the faint click of a camera...

...

...

...

Henny Youngman

Somebody sent me a bunch of jokes by Henny Youngman (1906-1998) so I decided to see if I could find some more. His wife was often the butt of his jokes, even though they were very close. His classic line was "Take my wife, please." He was the King of the one-liner. For a little bio on Henny, visit Wikipedia.

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
• My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Doctor Jokes

1. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
2. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
3. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
4. The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
5. A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
6. The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
7. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
8. "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
9. Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
10. A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
11. A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
12. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
13. Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
14. "I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drinking Jokes

1. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
2. Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
3. A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Airline Jokes

1. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
2. The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Golf Jokes

1. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
2. I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Bum Jokes

1. A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
2. A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
3. Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
4. Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
5. I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

1. I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
2. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Hotel Jokes

1. The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
2. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
3. I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!
4. My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
5. The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

1. You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
2. If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
3. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
4. You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
5. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
6. The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
7. Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
8. I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
9. If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.
10. He was born on April 2. A day late.
11. I'd like to say we're glad you're here -- I'd like to say it...
12. He gives his wife something to look forward to -- a divorce.
13. Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?
14. I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
15. Someday you'll go too far, and I hope you'll stay there.
16. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Introductions

1. Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"
2. Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
3. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
4. His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
5. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Jewish Jokes

1. A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
2. A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
3. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
4. Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
5. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Wife Jokes

1. Take my wife, please!
2. My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
3. A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."
4. I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
5. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
6. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
7. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does.
8. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
9. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
10. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
11. My wife has a black belt in shopping.
12. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
13. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
14. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
15. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
16. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
17. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
18. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
19. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
20. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
21. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
22. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
23. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Miscellaneous Jokes

1. A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
2. In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"
3. Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
4. A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
5. I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
6. Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
7. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
8. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
9. I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Jokes and Humor Coming Soon

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